Only Urkel Matters, Episode 3.15: Easy C You In Jail
“Jailhouse Blues”
Original Air Date: January 24, 1992
Previously on OUM: Eddie almost got Urkel expelled from school because he’s a lazy jerk. Don’t worry, he’s gonna screw Urkel over in this one too. “Never learn lessons” is Eddie’s motto.
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(Family Matters)
Cold Open:
The Winslows sans Carl are in the living room, cleaning. Eddie is excited because his cousin Clarence is coming to stay with them for a while. They haven’t seen Clarence in a while, but Eddie is certain that like himself, Clarence will be a “babe magnet.” Remember, this was before online social networks existed, so it actually was possible to not know what one of your extended family members was like if you hadn’t seen them in a long time. Eddie proclaims that God has smiled down upon the men in the Winslow family. Laura tells him that God wasn’t smiling, he just had bad gas. I wouldn’t necessarily call that funny, but it is clever. That’s actually Laura in a nutshell: clever, but not funny. The door opens and Carl walks in, followed closely by Clarence, who we’re supposed to instantly recognize as a douchebag:
Mission Accomplished. (Family Matters)
He insults the family immediately, calling them “The Partridge Family,” and implying that dinner will be milk and cookies. Look, guys, I know this fella appears to suck, but I’m willing to bet that underneath his hard exterior is a sweet little boy just begging for an Aunt and Uncle to see potential in him.
The Story:
Carl and Harriette introduce Clarence to Judy and NLR, whom he’s never met before, and reintroduce everyone else. He tells them that no one calls him Clarence anymore, and that his name is Easy C. I hate him so much. I refuse to call him Easy C, so going forward, we’ll be instituting a variation of Rodney’s nickname and calling Clarence “Sleazy C.” Is it a hacky joke? Sure is, but I find that I’m somehow not above it. They do a bit where Clarence answers all of their questions with street lingo, and only Mother Winslow understands because she’s down with the language of today’s youth. Eddie greets his cousin with a secret handshake that they must’ve come up with when they were eight, because Judy is at least ten years old and has not met her cousin until now:
(Family Matters)
Eddie and Sleazy C head upstairs, and the Winslows discuss the reasoning for Clarence’s arrival. His mother, Helen (Harriette’s cousin, making Clarence her first cousin once removed), is concerned that Sleazy C is falling in with the wrong crowd, and thought that it would do him some good to get away from Detroit for a while. The Winslows decide as a family to give him a chance.
Later, Sleazy C is sitting at the kitchen table, and Eddie brings him a sandwich. The way Clarence looks at this sandwich is enough reason to hate him. If you don’t approve of your cousin’s sandwich making abilities, how about you get off your easy ass and make it yourself? The boys hear a buzzing noise, and what looks like a storm cloud moves past the window. Clarence remarks that it sounds like bees, and sure enough, Hurricane Urkel blows in, wearing a beekeeping suit. He tells them that his killer bee experiment has gone horribly wrong, and that Eddie should close the window as soon as possible. Eddie is quick to oblige, and then introduces Steve to his cousin. Sleazy C tries the same hand jivey nonsense with Urkel, who obviously is not equipped to handle such a greeting:
As an extremely white man, I feel The Urkman’s pain. (Family Matters)
Clarence tells the Urkman, “You a serious little nerd,” to which Steve replies, “No, I am a serious little nerd. See, I use verbs. Verbs are our friends. They help move along our sentences.” My dude. Sleazy C wants to know if Eddie has some wheels that they can cruise around in, and Eddie tells him that he only has access to his father’s car. Clarence balks at first, calling Carl’s car a “hoopdie,” which Urban Dictionary tells me means, “a piece of shit.” After hearing that this is his only option, he tells Eddie to procure the vehicle for the next evening, telling him that they will go “cruising for hotties.” Urkel takes a moment to sing an abbreviated version of “The Twelve Days of Christmas,” starting at five golden rings and ending with “a hottie in a hoopdie.” His contemporaries don’t even snicker at this, and Clarence leaves to go get some smokes, but not before “borrowing” ten dollars from his cousin. Eddie is never seeing that money again.
Carl, Harriette, and Rachel come downstairs, all dressed handsomely. They’re headed out to a night at the theater, which Carl is none to pleased about. When Rachel starts singing (filler alert), he grabs a piece of duct tape and puts it over her mouth. Eddie and Sleazy Charlie come in, and boy, they’re trying very hard to make it seem like they have “swag.” Harriette asks them what they’re doing tonight, and Clarence tells her that they’re cruising for chicks. Carl wants to know how they plan to do that, since he already told Eddie that he couldn’t use the car. For some reason, Eddie thought Carl would change his mind, so he and Clarence sulk into the living room. Sleazy C insults both Carl and his car (because he is an ungrateful git), and then tells Eddie not to worry, because he’ll handle acquiring them a vehicle. He leaves, but not before telling Eddie that he needs to get his shit together if he wants to hang with him.
Eddie is working sadly on a puzzle in his kitchen when The Stevearino bursts in. Steve asks him where his rude cousin has gone to, but Eddie has no idea. Just then, Clarence bursts through the door and asks Eddie if he’s ready to roll. He has Steve and Eddie follow him to the Winslow’s garage, where Clarence has stashed a beautiful red convertible. I’m not a car guy, so I have no idea what kind it is, but I’m sure one of you will pop onto the Facebook group to let me know. Sleazy C tells them that the car is fully loaded, and two beautiful girls spring out of hiding. I guess Clarence convinced them to surprise his cousin, who they’ve never met. Weird. Eddie approaches the girls, introducing himself as E-man. God, he sucks. The girls tell him their names too, but after another minute, their names will be inconsequential, so just call them whatever you want in your head. Eddie asks Clarence where he got the car, and I swear to God guys, I could tell just by the red jacket he was wearing that he had stolen it from a valet service. Believe me or don’t, but regardless of your opinion, I’ll always know that I am a champion at guessing what happens in nineties sitcoms. Clarence tells Eddie that they have two hours before the owner even notices that the car is gone, vastly overestimating the amount of time it takes to eat a meal. Eddie, overcome by teenage lust, agrees to go for the joyride, but The Urkman flat-out refuses. Because he’s a sociopath, Sleazy C kidnaps Urkel so that he can’t rat on them. Eddie tells Steve to calm down, because “What could go wrong?”
(Family Matters)
A furious Carl paces the living room. Harriette attempts to calm him down, but Carl is an officer of the law, and his son has stolen a car. This has upset him as both a parent and a cop. The doorbell rings, and it’s Murtaugh, who has brought Eddie and his terrible cousin home from the police station. He tells them that he brought Urkel home too, but his parents were more angry at Steve coming home at all than at him stealing a car. Murtaugh takes his leave (tipping his cap and addressing Carl, Harriette, and Laura as “Winslow. Ma’am. Little Ma’am,” which I found adorable and hilarious), and Carl turns to begin his reprimanding of Sleazy C. You know what? I just decided that I am better than the Sleazy C nickname, and I can’t bring myself to use it anymore. I’ll just use his given Christian name going forward. Harriette stops Carl, and tells him that she’ll take care of Clarence, while Carl focuses on Eddie. Carl agrees, especially since she mentions that if he is going to kill someone, it should be a close family member. Carl directs Eddie to the kitchen, and Laura tries to follow. Carl tells her to go to bed, and Kelly Shanygne Williams crushes Laura’s response:
Maybe the funniest thing Williams has done on the show thus far.
(Family Matters)
Harriette’s admonishment of Clarence does not go well. She asks him what he’s got to say for himself, and he just sits there in silence. She even tries that thing that sitcom parents do when they say something like, “Being cool isn’t about stealing cars, it’s about respecting yourself and those around you. That’s what’s cool.” Clarence isn’t biting, so Harriette asks him if he’s sorry about any of the things he’s done. When he says that he’s only sorry that he got caught, she tells him to go upstairs and pack his shit, because he’s going home.
Carl’s scolding of Eddie goes a lot better. He doesn’t even need to give a speech, because Eddie does that guilty kid thing where he admits his wrongdoing and criticizes his own actions. I’ve been there myself. One time, a neighbor was throwing rocks towards me and a friend while we were playing Wiffle Ball. To be fair, he was intentionally throwing them short of us. The intent was not to hurt us, but to annoy us. Well, I threw one back, and obviously I hit him right in the face. I can’t help the fact that I have a golden arm, guys. As he ran home crying, I marched myself into the house and declared myself grounded for a week because of my wrong doings. True to form, my parents held me to my self-inflicted punishment. Eddie does the same, even mentioning that no one looks cool in handcuffs, but he neglects to mention a punishment. Carl’s no fool though, and he tells Eddie that since he likes cruising around so much, he’ll be volunteering with the Meals on Wheels program every Saturday for the next year. Eddie goes upstairs, and Harriette walks in sadly. She’s worried about Eddie, but Carl assures her that he’s a good kid who made a mistake.
Conclusion:
Laura is picking up a book when Urkel comes in. He tells her that his hour in prison was too much for him, and asks her to kiss him to remind him he’s a man. She instead chooses to remind him where the door is. Urkel tells her that he’s been scared straight because he met a man in prison who had a battleship tattoo on his tongue. Laura slams the door in his face, and it hits Steve directly in his still outstretched tongue, ending the episode. I guess I was wrong about Sleazy C’s tough exterior/heart of gold, huh? Look at that. I had one more sleazy pun in me.
Join me next time, when I break down Episode 3.16 (gimme a hell yeah), “Brown Bombshell.”
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