Only Urkel Matters, Episode 3.16: Pen(itentiary) Pals
“Brown Bombshell”
Original Air Date: January 31, 1992
Previously on OUM: Urkel went to prison and forgot what it felt like to be a man.
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(Family Matters)
Cold Open:
Laura is in the kitchen reading a magazine when Hurricane Urkel blows in. He wants advice on how to break bad news to her father, and she tells him that it’s best to be forthright with Carl, assuming that he’s not in a bad mood. If the latter is the case, she continues, it’s best to just avoid him altogether. Steve isn’t interested in the “coward’s way out,” so he resolves to tell Carl no matter what, like a man would do. Women love it when you ask for their advice and then immediately decide to do the opposite of what they said. Carl comes in, clutching at his face. He’s had a root canal, and it’s clear that he’s in a great deal of pain. He immediately glares at Steve, who decides that maybe the coward’s way out is the best path to take after all, and skedaddles.
The Story:
Harriette and Rachel come into the living room from an afternoon of hunting for bargains at the clearance sale. They find Estelle sitting on the couch, checking out old family photos. They see a picture of Carl taking his first steps, which Estelle says were right towards the refrigerator. Sassy old broad. Estelle begins to worry that a lot of the Winslow history will die along with her, and even though hopefully that won’t be for a long time, she’d like to sit the kids down and tell them a little bit of history about the maternal side of their family. Harriette and Rachel think that this would be a great idea.
Later, the kids have taken over the living room, and they fill up some episode time by dancing up a storm:
Honestly, we get it. NLR does a Michael Jackson routine. Get a new gimmick, kid. Estelle comes in with the photo album, but as soon as they find out that she’s about to sit them down for some stories, the kids scatter. She decides that she had better take a new approach. Urkel comes in, and asks if now is a better time to talk to Carl, but Laura warns him that now would be an even worse time, because Carl is eating dessert. Steve thinks that because she took the time to help him out, that means she is in love with him. He’s going to have a life full of heartbreak with that kind of attitude.
Eddie strolls in from a study date, looking extremely disappointed. He glumly tells his mother that “All she wanted to do was study!” Weird thing to say to your mother, but maybe their household us extremely sex-positive. Harriette ignores his lustful comment and tells him that she’s disappointed in him for running out on his Grandmother. When Eddie balks at this, she tells him that she needs him to set a better example as the oldest child. Eddie tells her that if he wanted to hear about the past, he would just watch the Wonder Years. Eddie is trash.
It’s took him a while, but Steve finally tracks down Carl. He tells him that like Carl suggested, he’s been writing to an inmate named Elmerita Puckerwood as part of the “Prison Pen Pal” program. Unfortunately, the women that Steve was writing to began to fall in love with him. Carl and Steve share a good laugh over this, but Urkel becomes the only one laughing when he reveals that when the inmate asked for a picture, he elected to send one of Carl instead of himself. Carl is mad for a bit, but settles down when he realizes that the woman is stuck in the state penitentiary, so there is no harm done. Steve tells him that this isn’t quite true, because the she is getting out of prison soon. “How soon?” Carl asks:
After the commercial break, Steve’s inmate pen pal (played by Sanford and Son’s LaWanda Page) advances on Carl like a lioness stalking her prey. This gal is super horned up, and it takes Carl a few minutes to calm her down enough to try and explain to her that his name is not Steve Urkel. Before he can do this, however, Steve asks to speak with him privately. The Urkman urges his surrogate father figure to be careful, because Elmerita was in prison for killing a man who had spurned her advances. Carl-even more carefully than before-approaches Elmerita and breaks the bad news. In her defense, she immediately stops pursuing him once he tells her that he’s happily married. In a world where not enough people take the bonds of marriage seriously anymore, I found this refreshing. Carl promises Elmerita that he will help her find a job, and directs her to the nearest halfway house. Elmerita is thankful, but before she leaves, she lets Carl know what it is that he is missing out on: she has a full-body tattoo of the United States, and she had intended on giving him a geography lesson that he’d never forget. She pauses, and adds a “Sucka!” before she goes out the door, which the Booker T fan in me truly appreciated. After she’s gone, Carl promises to get revenge:
(Family Matters)
Later, at Vanderbilt High, Eddie is in history class. The teacher comes in, and asks Waldo to read the chapter head. Waldo, true to form, reads it silently to himself before being instructed to read it out loud. Never change, Waldo Geraldo Faldo. The teacher tells them to put their books away, because they’ll be listening to a guest speaker. If you wagered that this speaker would be Estelle, congratulations, you’re a few dollars richer. Estelle goes to the head of the class and tells them that she’ll be talking to them about the Tuskegee Airmen. She asks if anyone has ever heard of them, and a pretty girl’s hand shoots into the air. It’s another recognizable face; the actress is Essence Atkins, who I recognize from another classic sitcom, “Smart Guy” (she plays Tasha). Estelle ignores the girl, and calls on Eddie. After having been ignored by her grandchildren, it must’ve felt so good to shame him. Eddie doesn’t know, so Estelle lets the pretty girl (IMDB refers to her as Becky, so I guess we’ll call her that) answer for him: The Tuskegee Airmen were an all-black group of fighter pilots who have the distinction of never having lost a bomber, the only group that can claim this. The teacher starts a slide show, and Estelle shows the class some pictures of the airmen, one of whom is her husband, Robert. When his picture flashes on screen, the girls hoot and holler, and rightfully so. He’s a handsome fella. The next picture is of his plane, which he dubbed “The Brown Bombshell.” Estelle claims that it was named after her, and a younger picture of her flashes on screen. Now it’s the boys’ turn to show off their hormones. The teacher tells them to knock it off (which is sexist, he didn’t say it to the girls; perhaps he is attempting to save Eddie from having to endure his friends lusting after his grandmother), but Estelle tells him to let them express themselves, which gets a big laugh from both the class and me. Waldo tells Eddie that his grandmother is pretty cool, which Eddie agrees with like he’s just realizing it for the first time. Maybe he’s unaware that she plays hockey, does karate, hula dances, beats the bag out of women half her age in tennis, goes on solo fishing expeditions, makes impossible pool shots, plays the trumpet like a long-time jazz musician, was the Rosa Parks of her small-town library, and thwarts robbers with the common snow shovel.
Conclusion:
The whole family (plus Urkel) are sitting at the kitchen table, listen to Eddie crow about his grandmother’s presentation. He mentions that when the class ended no one left, because they couldn’t get enough of Mother Winslow. Steve tells them that this is the mark of a tremendous storyteller. The episode ends with the family gathering around Estelle in loving support.
Join me next time, when I break down Episode 3.17, “Food, Lies, and Videotape.”
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