Only Urkel Matters, Episode 3.21: Pretty Pie for a White Guy
“Stop in the Name of Love”
March 13, 1992
Previously on OUM: Steve wanted to kiss Laura, but didn’t want to kiss her if she didn’t want to kiss him, which she didn’t, but then she did. They didn’t kiss.
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Cold Open:
The episode begins with Carl opening his front door to reveal Lieutenant Murtaugh in an ascot. Obviously, he’s dressed this way for a reason, and we find out that it’s because he’s just purchased his dream car: a 1969 Pontiac Firebird Convertible. He tells his sergeant that he’s now in tremendous debt, but that it was worth it, which is a sentence I’ve only heard uttered by complete fools. Obviously, this car needs to be destroyed immediately for comedy’s sake, and we hear a car’s wheels screeching followed by the unmistakable sounds of a fender bender. The Lieutenant wants to know if Car recognizes the person behind the wheel, whom I naturally assumed was Eddie. It turns out to be Mother Winslow instead. She comes in with the license plate of Murtaugh’s now wrecked vehicle, and tells Carl to find out whose it is, and read them the riot act. She compliments Murtaugh’s as(s)cot, and we head into the theme song.
The Story:
Waldo and Eddie are sitting at Rachel’s Place, and Eddie decides that they should go try to pick up some chicks. Waldo, true to form, is worried that they might get a hernia. He thinks it’s a safer idea to begin bench pressing little kids before they move on to trying to pick up young women. An exasperated Eddie leaves the table, and attempts to flirt with a young woman. The girl sees him coming, and immediately sprints out of the restaurant. Eddie follows her out the door like some sort of smitten cartoon character. Steve approaches the table, where a gloomy looking Waldo is sitting, and asks him what’s wrong. Waldo tells him that he is bummed because he can’t talk to girls, and any time he does, his mind goes blank. Steve can’t resist taking a shot at people’s intellects, so he tells poor Waldo that he believes that. Urkel leaves the table, and asks Laura to try and perk Waldo up. Laura is a good person, so of course she tries. She tells Waldo that he’s one of the nicest boys she’s ever met, and that any girl would be lucky to have him. After she leaves, the Urkman comes back and asks Waldo if he’s feeling better. Waldo replies that he is, but now he has a bigger problem: Laura is in love with him.
Back at the Winslows’, Steve rushes through the front door. He tells Laura that she has a big problem. He explains the conversation that he had with Waldo, but Laura brushes it off. Steve tells her that she needs to set poor Waldo straight before he falls in love with her, but Laura humbly tells him that this isn’t going to happen. Steve can’t believe what he’s hearing, because he understands that to know Laura Winslow is to fall in love with her. Some girls just have the uncanny ability to make men fall desperately in love with them, and Urkel obviously knows that Laura is one of those gals. Laura again disagrees, and says that the day Waldo falls in love with her is the day she eats her science book. Just then, Waldo bursts through the door, and he’s dressed to the nines. Steve takes one look at Laura, hands her the science book, and says, “Bon Appetite.” Waldo strolls confidently over to Laura and delivers a line that would make any woman weak in the knees:
(Family Matters)
After this small burst of confidence, Waldo falls prey to his confessed shortcomings; he has an extremely difficult time figuring out what to say to women. He struggles through the whole thing, but is eventually able to ask Laura on a date for the following evening. To Steve’s shock and horror, Laura accepts. Urkel asks Waldo how he can do this to him, and Waldo’s response is ice cold:
(Family Matters)
I know, I know, I posted back-to-back clips, but you can’t expect there to be a Waldo-centric episode that I’m not obsessed with from the word go.
The next day comes, and Waldo and Laura are out on their date. As always, it takes place at Rachel’s Place. You would think the Winslow kids would like to go on just ONE date that wasn’t in front of their aunt. An incredulous Steve is somehow their waiter. I feel like Rachel really boned him on this one. Imagine having to wait on your buddy while he takes out a girl you have a huge crush on. After taking Laura to the movies, Waldo is now short on cash, so while Laura gets a cheeseburger and fries (she asks him if this is okay, which is kind of sweet, but also kind of insulting) Waldo just gets a water. Steve rolls his eyes and walks away. Laura, in a truly kind gesture, asks Waldo to dance. She could have just accepted that this would be a terrible date, but instead she’s trying to make the best of this. It’s really nice to see this side of her. She’d treat Steve this way too if he wasn’t such a creep all the time. When Waldo selects a slow song, Laura offers her arms, waiting for him to hold her closely (yet another kind-hearted act). Waldo, however, has a different plan:
(Family Matters)
After pulling the plug on the jukebox, Laura sprints back to the table, embarrassed. A cocky Waldo struts over and asks her, “Couldn’t keep up, huh baby?” After a few minutes of typical Waldo conversation, Waldo tells Laura that he isn’t sensing a love connection, and doesn’t think they should see each other again. A shocked Laura pretends that this is cutting her to the core, and Waldo tells her that “Newsweek heals all wounds.” Honestly, that’s such a good joke, and totally something I could see Andy Dwyer saying. Waldo was way ahead of his time. Waldo goes to kiss Laura’s hand, but gets his ring stuck between her teeth. Honestly, this was one of the best scenes in this show’s thus-far brief run.
Conclusion:
After Waldo leaves (but not before promising to get Laura her ring back as soon as possible), Laura turns to see a jubilant Steve celebrating the fact that he is once again Laura’s number one choice for rejection. Laura chuckles a bit, and tells him that he is her number one person to say “no” to. Steve takes this as a compliment for some reason. Carl and LT Murtaugh walk in, and the lieutenant is berating Carl about his mother’s driving, telling him that she is too old to be allowed to continue. When Carl rejects this premise, Murtaugh tells him that he checked her license at the DMV, and that her license number is seven. Carl is furious, and demands that Murtaugh apologize. Urkel attempts to intervene, and tells them to sit down so he can grab them a nice slice of pie. Upon hearing the word, “pie,” Murtaugh gets a mischievous look in his eye, and from there it’s an absolute sprint to the end of the episode:
(Family Matters)
Carl’s actions will almost certainly lead to some sort of reprimand, and they definitely lead to the end of the episode. I really enjoyed this one. That makes back-to-back episodes! Maybe they’re finally starting to hit their groove. I hope so, because I was getting really tired of writing negative shit all the time.
Join me next time, when I discuss Episode 3.22, “The Urkel Who Came to Dinner.” They’re going back to the “Who Came to Dinner” well again, huh? Must’ve been a huge fan of that movie.
