Only Urkel Matters, Episode 3.20: Three Walls Will Only Get You So Far, Brother
“Love and Kisses”
February 28, 1992
Previously on OUM: Laura got blackmailed by Cassie Lynn (who is every girl in high school that you ever hated) so Urkel sexually assaulted Cassie Lynn and blackmailed her with the evidence(?!).
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(Family Matters)
Cold Open:
Eddie, Waldo and the Urkman are sitting in the Winslow’s kitchen, looking at Steve’s prized baseball card collection. Urkel mentions that he has two Mickey Mantle rookie cards, and Waldo has a very Waldo reaction to this:
Never change, Waldo Geraldo Faldo. Steve has a plan to move his and Laura’s relationship to the “next level,” but it involves his buddies donning a costume. When they balk at this, he offers them twenty dollars each, and they acquiesce.
The Story:
Laura and Maxine are on the couch, and they’re clearly depressed. Laura remarks that she doesn’t think it’s possible for her to be more depressed. If you watched this show, or if you read this blog, you should know that roughly 25% of the non-Jaleel White actors’ lines are just to set up an Urkel entrance, and this one isn’t any different. This time, Hurricane Urkel is not alone:
(Family Matters)
Laura cuts the performance short, and tells Steve in no uncertain terms that he’s off his rocker if he thinks that recruiting more people to annoy her will help his cause in any fashion. Eddie and Waldo leave, but since they’ve already gotten paid, they boogie their way out the door. I wonder how long it took for them to synchronize so effectively. Anyway, Steve asks Laura and Max why they are so glum, and it turns out that they had been trying to get tickets to the Johnny Gill concert, and even though they had camped out, the tickets were sold out by the time they got to the front of the line. Urkel sees how desperate Laura is to see Johnny Gill, and strikes up a deal with her: if he can arrange a one-on-one meeting between the singer and Laura, she will plant a fat kiss on his nerdy lips.
Later, Carl is sitting on the couch, watching sports of some kind. Seemed basketbally to me, but there’s no way to know for certain. Harriette enters, and asks if he’s got a minute. Carl, a fool, tells her “in about an hour.” Way to make your lady feel appreciated, my dude. Guys, I get it. I’m FANATICAL about sports. But one thing you should never do (though Lord knows I’ve made this mistake myself) is to choose watching a game over your lady. If it’s an important game, I suggest making yourself scarce and heading to a local sports bar (if those ever open again; thanks COVID) and keeping yourself completely out of harms way. Harriette handles this good naturedly, however, and simply turns off the TV. Carl at least takes the hint at this point, and turns to give his wife his undivided attention. Harriette asks him if he knows of anything happening the next week, and Carl replies that he does: it’s their twentieth wedding anniversary. Harriette laments that they’ve never had a honeymoon, and Carl tells her that he too wishes they had, but they were dirt poor at the time of their wedding. Harriette tells him that she’d like to rectify this problem by going on a honeymoon now, and Carl again would like to, but he knows they are still strapped for cash (four kids living in the house and a neighbor that constantly breaks your shit will do that to you). Harriette tells him that if they go, she’ll wear a scant little piece of lingerie, and Carl responds like any hot-blooded heterosexual male would:
(Family Matters)
So they get in their car and drive, and are welcomed into the honeymoon suite by a kindly middle-aged man. There’s only one problem: the cabin only has four walls. Carl and Harriette are obviously displeased, and they tell the man that they would like to stay in a room that is a tad bit more…complete. The cabin owner tells them that this is unfortunately impossible. He started construction on every room at the same time, and he ran out of money. Literally none of his rooms have all four walls. Carl tells him that he is going to find somewhere else to stay, and the inn keeper tells him that he shouldn’t. There aren’t any rooms available for over 100 miles. If I’m Carl, I’m driving those 100 miles. That’s only about two hours, and at least you’d be warm in the car.
Later, Steve is sitting on the Winslow couch with his best gal. Laura asks what the hell they’re doing, and the Urkman asks her for some patience. On cue, the doorbell rings, and Laura goes to answer it. She opens the door, and in strolls Johnny Fucking Gill:
(Family Matters)
Now, if you’re in your mid-thirties or lower, you might not know who this guy is, but let me just tell you that this dude was HUGE in the nineties. He was in a little band called New Edition, ever heard of them? Laura freaks out and faints, leaving Steve to drag her safely to the couch. Johnny is here because he’s heard that someone has an extra Mickey Mantle rookie card, and he’d like to acquire it. He and Steve begin to barter, and it’s worth watching:
(Family Matters)
Not bad comedic chops from our dude JFG here. Why is every R&B singer also good at acting? It’s like a LOCK at this point.
Carl and Harriette are still in the incomplete cabin, freezing their butts off. A little boy comes wandering in, and challenges Carl to a snowball fight. Carl declines, but the little boy decides to pelt him with one anyway. Carl turns on Harriette immediately, blaming her for not figuring out the cabin’s deficiencies before he drove three and a half hours to the world’s shittiest honeymoon suite. Harriette is angry that she is being blamed for this, and builds up to saying something particularly nasty to Carl, but before she can, she spots the goat eating Carl’s shorts:
(Family Matters)
Carl scares off Mr. Tumnus, and he and Harriette share a huge laugh. Lucky that the goat showed up; they seemed like they were on a path straight to divorce town. Carl and Harriette make up, and he asks her to put on the sexy lingerie, even though it’s freezing outside. Carl tells her that he’ll keep her warm. Harriette asks him, “What about the goat?” and Carl tells her that the goat can get his own woman. Cute. Speaking of cute, guys, WHAT ABOUT THE LITTLE KID WANDERING AROUND? Are you just gonna fuck when he could come walking in at any moment? Suspect choices.
Conclusion:
Back at the Winslow house, Laura is six deep into Johnny Gill songs. Gill is definitely living up to his end of the bargain. The man is a natural showman, and he’s putting on a SHOW, Jack. Laura is so engrossed that she’s practically a puddle:
(Family Matters) That’s not the only puddle in the room, if you know what I’m saying.
Gill doesn’t stop just because his audience is catatonic. He wants that Mickey Mantle rookie card, and he’s gonna earn it. He sings to Steve, who is thoroughly unimpressed, and then moves his attention on to an unsuspecting Rachel, who freaks out and bolts from the room. When he’s finished, Urkel hands Johnny the rookie card, because he’s a man of honor. Gill leaves, and Laura prepares to kiss Steve (because she too possesses honor in spades). Urkel does some warm up stretches to get ready for the kiss, but ultimately backs out. To him, a kiss from Laura should be earned through winning her desire, not from a transaction. Laura is impressed, and decides to kiss him anyway. She leans in, and I’m thinking about how big a deal this is in the show’s history. Like, I wrote a whole paragraph in my mind about how this is a seminal moment, but I didn’t get to write it, because this happens instead:
Laura begins to shake Steve, attempting to revive him, and the episode ends. Honestly, pretty entertaining throughout. I love when that happens. Makes the work of recapping the episode fly by. Sometimes, I feel like quitting after the first segment of the show.
Join me next time, when I break down Episode 3.21, “Stop in the Name of Love.”
