Only Urkel Matters, Episode 3.19: Kissed by an Urkel
“Woman of the People”
Original Air Date: February 21, 1992
Previously on OUM: Laura got played by notorious fuckboy Daniel Wallace, and Urkel was so distraught he almost joined a monastery. Also, I called the monastery a “Monkhouse” and not one of you caught on to what I was doing. I’ve never been more enraged that a joke didn’t land. That one was gold, guys. GOLD.
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(Family Matters)
Cold Open:
NLR hides Rachel’s keys so that he doesn’t have to go to the dentist, but she tricks him into telling her where they are very easily. Yes, I just TL;DRed a cold open. You’re welcome.
The Story:
We start off at Vanderbilt High, where a student council meeting is in progress. The president, Cassie Lynn, is busy being her terrible, popular high school girl self. She will almost certainly become pregnant before twenty-two years of age. Cassie Lynn attempts to adjourn the meeting, but Laura brings up some much needed changes that the school needs. As she does, Hurricane Urkel blows in, representing the school newspaper, the Muskrat Times. As usual, he’s dressed for the part. Urkel asks Cassie Lynn what she plans to do about the things Laura suggested, and she tells him that she plans on banning him from future meetings. Steve chastises her for censorship, and informs her that she can expect a scathing editorial. Cassie Lynn announces her candidacy for another term as student council president, and basically bullies everyone in the room into not opposing her. However, Principal Shimata, who has been standing in the background, voices his concern about a one-person race. He then makes a weird analogy about how political races are like kissing, and that it’s more fun if two people are involved. He’d be fired on the spot in 2020. Then again, he’d also be wearing a mask, so he’d probably be less inclined to make a kissing metaphor. Steve nominates Laura, and the Principal seconds her nomination. Laura is hesitant to join the race, but Cassie Lynn super-villains Laura into the race by telling her that she will crush anyone who dares oppose her. She should have let sleeping dogs lie. Laura can’t stand being told that she can’t do something, so she immediately accepts the nomination. Everyone leaves except Cassie Lynn and her new lackey, Becky Sue. You know a girl on TV is going to be a villain when she’s got two first names. Cassie Lynn orders Becky Sue to find any dirt she can on Laura.
At the Winslow residence, Carl and Harriette are in the living room, surrounded by a group of neighbors. Apparently, there have been a slew of petty crimes committed in their neighborhood, so Carl has gathered them to discuss creating a neighborhood watch. Carl tells them that they need a watch commander, and it’s obvious that he wants it to be him, but he gets a little overdramatic in describing the defining characteristics of a good watch commander, and his neighbors decide that Harriette is an obvious choice. Honestly, either Winslow would be a good call, but Harriette should know that Carl clearly wants this for himself and defer to him. Instead, she accepts. The neighbors suggest that everyone go to a local bar to toast their new watch commander, but Carl holds Harriette back to tell her that he wanted the job. She doesn’t immediately acquiesce to his demands, so Carl begins to accost her about not being the right person for the job. This does not work out for him:
Back at the school, Laura is up on a stool, hanging posters declaring her candidacy for president. Ever her shadow, the Urkman is there to spot her, and it’s a good thing he is, because she falls almost immediately. Fortunately for Laura, Steve is there to catch her. Unfortunately for Laura, Becky Sue is there to snap some compromising photos of her. Unaware of this, Steve tells Laura that he could hold her forever, and Laura tells him he has one second to let her go. Steve milks this for all it’s worth, making orgasm faces. The show has become very fond of using this gimmick, and the well has just about run dry. After Laura is released, Cassie Lynn approaches her and threatens to release these photos to the public if Laura doesn’t drop out of the race. After Cassie and her Crony (coming this fall to UPN [‘member UPN? I ‘member!]) walk away, Laura declares that she won’t back down to a hapless thug like Cassie Lynn. Cassie Lynn’s inevitable downfall in this election will be not understanding her opponent at all. This is the second time in two days that she has challenged Laura, thinking that she can bully her out of the race. Those that fail to learn from history are doomed to repeat it.
Back at the Winslow’s, Harriette is prepping Rachel and Estelle for their first shift on the neighborhood watch. Carl scoffs at her instructions, and Harriette tells him that if he has something to say, he should just say it. Carl questions her decision to send two defenseless women out into the night, especially since one of them is eighty-one years old. Harriette tells him that she’s not sending them out into the night alone, and that he is on shift, which he would have known if he had checked the schedule. Carl sighs, and articulates his desire to get the shift over with. Before they can leave, Harriette informs Carl that he needs to wait for his team leader, Captain Funky Fresh. Obviously, this is Eddie. No one else on this show would hit that level of douche-baggery. We will never see his like again.
We return to the high school, where Cassie Lynn is handing out gifts and saying, “Vote for Nubbles, wave bye-bye to troubles,” which is a catchy little line, but also, her last name is “Nubbles,” so why would anyone even talk to her, never mind vote for her? The Urkman walks in, followed closely by Eddie. Steve asks him if he’s ready, and Eddie confirms that he is. The bell rings, signaling that it’s time for the kids to get to class, and the hallway begins to empty. Steve walks over to Cassie Lynn, and asks for a moment of her time. He asks her politely to forsake her plan to publish the compromising pictures, and she declines, stating that “all is fair in love and politics.” Steve tells her that he’s glad she said that, and then plants a big fat kiss on her lips:
I left in Eddie’s, “Oh shit!” moment on purpose, because it’s good to see him being Urkel’s hype man, for once. (Family Matters)
After this borderline sexual assault, Urkel reveals that if Cassie Lynn distributes the pictures of him and Laura, he will do the same with the photos that Eddie just took. Cassie Lynn agrees to back off and let the adolescent voters decide the election on their candidates’ merits, which actually skeeves her out a little bit. Cassie Lynn stalks away, leaving Steve and Eddie to bask in the glory of their successful ruse. Eddie tells Steve that he’s glad it worked, especially since he forgot to take the cap off of the camera lens.
The doorbell rings at the Winslows’, and Judy rushes downstairs to answer it. She opens the door to find an elderly woman standing there with a pie. The woman, who we find out is named Mrs. Pudney, asks if Harriette is home, and Judy tells her that she is not, but that Carl is. Mrs. Pudney requests that Judy let him know that she is here, and Judy screams upstairs for her father, a classic nineties trope. The old woman just wanted Judy to run upstairs and get Carl, but Judy chose to scream instead! It’s funny. Do you get it? LAUGH, DAMN IT! Poor Jaimee Foxworth. I can see why she left the show and pursued…other avenues. Carl comes down the stairs, and Mrs. Pudney hands him the pie. Carl tells her that it’s very nice of her, and asks her if there is a special reason that she baked Harriette a pie. The old woman tells her that the previous evening, Harriette spotted a suspicious man attempting to break into the Pudney home, and was able to thwart the would-be burglar by calling the police. Carl is stunned. He apparently has learned a valuable lesson; women can, in fact, accomplish tasks just as well as men. I’m glad that we’ve come far enough that this seems kind of preachy in 2020.
It’s between periods at Vanderbilt, and the hallway is buzzing with adolescent activity. Principal Shimata’s voice sounds over the intercom, asking for their attention. He announces that Laura has won the election, and she and Steve celebrate with a hug. They separate after a moment, and Laura tells him that she still can’t believe Cassie Lynn decided not to post the pictures of the two of them. Steve, in a very classy gesture, doesn’t tell Laura about the underhanded tactics he had to use to give her a shot at the presidency. At least I think it’s a classy gesture. He might just be trying to keep the amount of people who know about his sexual assault to a minimum.
The Conclusion:
Jon Sn…sorry, I meant Harriette, comes in from a long shift on the Night’s Watch. Carl tells her how beautiful she looks, and she wants to know what’s up, because he’s straight up been acting like an asshat lately. Carl apologizes for being so sensitive about Harriette getting something that he wanted, especially since (as she points out) she didn’t ask for it. Harriette accepts his apology, and they head upstairs to “really make up,” ending the episode. Congrats on the sex, my guy!
Join me next time, when I break down episode 3.20, “Love and Kisses.”
