Only Urkel Matters, Episode 3.18: Steven Q(pid) Urkel
“My Broken-Hearted Valentine”
Original Air Date: February 14, 1992
Previously on OUM: Urkel invented a super yeast, and it almost caused Ms. Steuben to quit her job.
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Cold Open:
Judy and NLR are in the kitchen making valentines for the boys at Judy’s school. Estelle asks Judy why she’s making so many, since it’s generally understood that you just make one for one special boy. Judy explains to her that she’s giving one to every boy in her class, in the hopes that at least one of them will turn out to be the one. At least it’s just her heart that she’s trying to give away. This will change as she gets a bit older. If you know, you know. NLR tells Harriette that he doesn’t understand why anyone gives out valentines in the first place. He considers them to be “yucky.” This is the second time in two episodes that he’s used this word. Is this little shit getting a catchphrase? Harriette tells him that when you truly love someone, nothing is yucky. On cue, in comes Hurricane Urkel:
(Family Matters)
The Story:
Harriette directs Steve to the living room. He’s carrying a pickle for some reason, and when she tells him to stay in the living room, he tells her that he’ll just be there “workin’ his gerkin.”
(Archer)
The doorbell rings, and because Urkel is Urkel, he answers it. It’s Daniel Wallace, who has come to ask Laura to be his valentine. The two of them bicker for a few moments, and then Laura walks in. Steve acts quickly and asks her to be her valentine first (through what he intends to be an eighty-two verse poem). She declines, and then tells him to leave. Wallace grins a bit, but she’s wise to his fuckboy act, and tells him to hit the bricks too. Daniel tells her that he knows that he’s made mistakes, but he can’t get her out of his head, because she’s different from all the girls. She’s special. Laura melts, and accepts his offer of a Valentine’s Day Date. Urkel can’t believe she’s buying this obviously disingenuous act, and he growls at Wallace as Daniel heads to leave.
Later, Carl is hard at work installing a dimmer switch for the living room. He pokes at the wiring a bit, and is confused when the doorbell goes off. He eventually realizes that someone is actually at the door, and he grins sheepishly at Rachel, who smiles kindly back at him. She knows that he’s just going to fuck this up, but she also understands her place as a guest in his home. It’s his house to burn, after all. Carl opens the door, and it’s Daniel, here to pick up Laura. Carl introduces himself as a police officer to intimidate the young boy, but Wallace goes directly into his flattery routine, flattering Carl by telling him that he admires a man who’s good with his hands. From that point on, Carl is putty in his hands. I guess the sucker apple doesn’t fall too far from the sucker tree. Laura comes downstairs, and Rachel comments on how good these two look together. Maybe she’s right by nineties standards, but by today’s measuring stick, I’d give them an “oopsie” on a scale from 1-10:
(Family Matters)
Carl tells them to by home by ten o’clock, but Daniel schmoozes him some more and gets Laura’s curfew set back an hour. After they leave, Carl demonstrates the dimmer for Rachel. It works for a few seconds and then shorts out, because if there’s one law in the Family Matters jungle, it’s that the lion is terrible at home improvement projects.
Later, The Urkman is jamming out to his new polka video, and he’s really getting down. Eddie tells him that this is the least fun he’s had in a long time, and Steve admits that he too is straight up not having a good time. His jamming out was just a part of his “polka face.” Urkel made the same joke that Weird Al did, just twenty years early. Steve confesses to Eddie that he’s never been more miserable because his boo is out with another bro. Eddie’s like, “Cool story,” and heads upstairs. Steve goes to retrieve his polka video, but as he does, he can hear the front door start to unlock. He books it behind the couch, and that’s how it comes to be that he witnesses his best gal locking lips with the high school fuckboy that he knows is playing with her. After Laura and Wallace smooch, Daniel departs, and Laura walks dreamily upstairs. You have to feel for Urkel here. I remember being in high school and watching a girl I had a huge crush on make out with some d-bag. That shit hurts.
A few days later, Laura is getting ready for her next date with Daniel, when Maxine walks in. She can tell that Laura is going on a date, so she asks her for the tea. When Laura tells her it’s Daniel Wallace, Maxine flips out. She tells Laura that Daniel Wallace is a creep who just wants to get laid. Laura tells her that she’s sorry that Daniel broke Maxine’s heart, but it’s different between him and her. She storms out, leaving behind a devastated Max. Carl comes in, and he asks her what’s wrong. When he finds out what Daniel wants from Laura, he reacts like any father would, and vows to murder him.
Later, Carl is sitting angrily in his Lay-Z-Boy, trying to read the newspaper. He finally gives up and heads to the window to check for Laura. As he does, the door flies open, hitting him where he stands. It’s Urkel, dressed in a monk’s garb. Steve tells Carl that he’s taken a vow of chastity, and that he’s going to live in a monastery (otherwise known as a Monkhouse). Laura broke his heart, and the only way he sees to mend it is to spend a few years praying and making cheese.
Upstairs, Laura and Daniel are sneaking into her room. They came up to talk, but once they enter the room, Laura gets cold feet and asks him to leave. Wallace puts on the charm, calming Laura down long enough to go for a kiss. Laura pushes him away, and he calls her a baby, which is what Maxine said happened to her. Laura tells him that she never wants to see him again, and tells him to get out. Wallace tells her that it’s her loss, and Laura calls him back. Daniel thinks that he’s convinced her to hook up, so he smiles and heads back towards her. Instead of kissing him, Laura throws his dumb looking hat at him, and he falls to the earth. Harriette hears the fall and rushes into the room to make sure everything is okay. A tearful Laura explains what happened, and Harriette consoles her. She tells her that one day, Laura will meet a man who will love her and treat her with respect. “And do you know what will happen then?” she asks. Laura responds, “We’ll have sex?” because she’s too emotional to think about how this will affect her mother. Harriette freaks out, and tells her that she meant that Laura will get married. The two embrace.
Conclusion:
Downstairs, Laura tells Carl and Steve that she has decided to never see Daniel again. The two of them high-five to this news. Urkel tells Laura that he’s not too proud to get her on the rebound, and she tells him that though she does not want to be with him, she will be his valentine for the time remaining in the day. Urkel cherishes every moment, practically orgasming with every passing second. When midnight strikes, Laura tells him to go home. Steve complies, but not before looking back, giving her finger guns, and saying, “Thanks for the memories, baby.” He leaves the house, likely to go procure a post-refractory period cigarette, and the episode ends.
Join me next time, when I break down Episode 3.19, “Woman of the People.”
